Why do I come to this church of chips and check raises? What sins do I think will be forgiven here?
At first - years ago - I came here looking for forgiveness for what I considered my greatest sin; my own ordinariness. I wanted to show myself to be lady luck's favourite, just as when I was a child I had delusions that I would change the world someday. The god-complex I had as a kid never really died - it just went underground and resurfaced as the delusion that the laws of chance applied to others, not me. I could have become addicted to slot machines or roulette but my pride was to great for games of pure chance - I wanted to be able to claim some credit for my own outrageous success. Poker, a mix of luck and skill, was the perfect game for me. I could pretend I deserved to win because of my skill, while secretly I knew it was because God loves me best.
So, in the beginning I played poker as if it was roulette - never considering what the moves my opponents made revealed about the my chances of winning a hand. I never considered that I actually needed to study the game. I passed all my classes without studying, so why study poker? Worst of all, I never considered my opponents as thinking beings at all. This is particularly easy to do when playing on-line - easy to believe that avatar is just an avatar, and not a human being.
So I lost.
I was too stubborn to quit playing poker, but not so stubborn as to realize I had to start playing differently. I had to start trying to figure out why my opponents made the moves they made. This is what I am trying to do now.
Is this a church at all? I'm not sure. The belief in a higher power -be it God or Chance- drives people here. If they win they feel loved by the higher power. But how big a win -how much love- is enough? For some of us there is never enough love of money to fill the holes in our hearts. No matter how much we win we spend it all in the hope for more.
So.
In the end, poker is just a game. When you project meaning on it beyond that you are setting up psychological traps for yourself. One psychological trap, maybe the hardest on to avoid, is the idea that you can play winning poker even when you are not at the top of your game. You can't play winning poker when you are tired, or drunk, or on tilt, or when an opponent has a read on you. You can win (anyone can get lucky) but you can't play winning poker and there is a big difference. Which just brings my mind back full circle. This maybe this is a church after all, teaching us that pride goes before a fall. But don't come to this church to be absolved of sin - come here to learn something about yourself.
I had been at the poker table for about five hours. I had brought $200 and now had slightly more than $800. The thought crossed my mind that if I left now, I could go home and give the dogs a walk around the park before I'd have to go pick up my wife from work. We could spend some of my winnings on a nice meal somewhere. Or I could stay here. After all I was dominating the table; who knows how much more I would make? How much love is enough?
The small voice in my head said it was time to go. I racked up my chips and cashed out. It was the best move I made all day.
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